Like many of us in this corner of the internet, I was unpopular as a kid. I got picked on, made fun of, and generally felt like the uncool kid on the block. I’m not looking for sympathy here, just setting out some context. In fact looking back, I ironically had a lot more success with friendships, girls, and general “coolness” than I thought. My negative perception simply skewed my understanding of my relative social standing.
Back in those days, I would have this sort of fantasy where I’d look off into the future, and imagine myself as successful and accomplished. I’d compare myself to the “cool kids” and imagine them as having wrecked their lives, whereas I had slowly and steadily focused on my goals and eventually became “better” than them.
What’s funny is that by many objective measures, I’m there! Without going into too much detail I have a solid career, well managed finances, a wonderful partner, and a good social life. And yet even now when I’m snubbed by who I see as the “cool kids,” it still hurts. That pain doesn’t go away. If anything as I’ve learned to open my heart, the pain has grown stronger, in a way.
That kid inside of me who got bullied, hurt, and generally was just unpopular is still there. The emotions are still etched into my body, I can feel them as I dive into my somatic experience. I can feel that boy who was coming up against forces he didn’t understand, and fell short over and over.
But that’s okay! I’m realizing that those fantasies I had as a kid were misguided, at best. We don’t heal or feel better by comparing ourselves to others on basically any metric. The only way to overcome our past is to love it. The only way to overcome anything, truly, is to love it.